3 Stories That Demonstrate When I Did (And Didn’t) Live Into My Values
Experience is an honest teacher.
Experience is an honest teacher.
It would be easy if we always gave ourselves a moment to consult core values before making a decision. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as it sounds, and the result can leave us feeling like we’ve veered off course. I previously wrote about the importance of finding and articulating values. After working the process, I concluded that wisdom and kindness are my core values. Below I’ll share a few stories about how those values help guide me, whether in the right direction or showing me a misstep. In the first and third experiences, I let my values inform my behaviors. In the second situation, I’m not proud of who I was at that moment, and my values reminded me that there is a better way to behave toward others.
While doing some yard work, I saw an older neighbor struggling with a small project. She was attempting to hang an outdoor decoration from the overhang of her car-port. My initial reaction was to consider pretending I didn’t see her, maybe give a neighborly smile and wave as I went about my business. I thought then about my values. What would wisdom and kindness require of me right now? I wasn’t that busy and, although it might turn into a longer conversation, it had been a while since I’d chatted with Mrs. B. I took a slow breath and decided that kindness means I offer help when I can. Wisdom means maintaining relationships with my neighbors and showing care and respect for my elders.
I walked toward Mrs. B with a warm smile and offered to hang the ornament. Without hesitation, she accepted my help. We spent time talking about her grandchildren and great-grandchildren, my children, and the local neighborhood gossip. It was a pleasant experience — I got a warm hug as I returned to my chores and, for a brief moment, appreciated the fact that my values guided me into this experience.
As pleasant as that moment was, I cannot always find the space for that immediate reflection. I let lesser instincts drive me, and I fall short of living my values. These “less-than” actions (a term my coach recommends) can help reinforce my values by providing evidence that I experience a sense of loss and dissatisfaction when acting contrary to them. Frankly, I also come off looking like a jerk.
One embarrassing moment happened recently. Our youngest children turned 18 this year, and along with the excitement of becoming an adult comes changes with healthcare, school, etc. They are no longer children but are considered independent adults, especially in the eyes of healthcare. As part of the college attendance process, they are required to get several vaccinations and other medical clearances. After a routine visit with their doctor, we received a substantial bill in the mail. The statement was addressed directly to one of our children and appeared to suggest they had no health insurance and would be responsible for the total amount. We get family health insurance through my job, and I decided to call the medical billing office and inquire.
I called the office and explained the situation and apparent mix-up. Although 18, my child is still covered under my health insurance policy. The person on the other end of the line informed me that they could not speak to me about another patient’s medical information and that the patient would need to call. The person on the phone was professional and pleasant. Nonetheless, I was frustrated. My “less-than” response to frustration is to take on a bitter, condescending tone, and I started arguing that I didn’t want any medical information about my child’s visit, only to update the insurance information. They kindly asked me, “Okay, sir, what is the correct information?” I realized the moment the following words came out of my mouth I was way off the path. I said, as sarcastically as you can imagine, “the same information she had before she turned 18 a few weeks ago.”
I felt like a jerk. Thankfully, at that moment, I paused, took a breath, and quickly followed up with, “I’m sorry, the correct information for my daughter is….” I did my best to smile over the phone and be gracious and thankful for the remainder of the call. I thanked them for their time and said I would ask my daughter to follow up in two weeks. I ended the call with kindness wishing I had been kind throughout.
I can’t take back how I acted, but I can learn from the situation. Learn to recognize how I react when I’m frustrated. When I feel a tightness in my chest and shoulders and frustration in my mind, I should immediately turn to my values before acting contrarily. Thankfully, situations like this are balanced by times where I turn to my values and make better decisions.
I am challenged in the places that I may only be thinking about values but not living into them. Core values challenge me in potent ways — inviting me to live my authentic self. As I begin this new chapter, transitioning out of the pandemic, all my children now adults, and finding a more spiritual existence, I am coming to learn what these values mean. My days as a soccer coach and “sports dad” are coming to a close.
I sometimes listen to the 10% Happier Podcast with Dan Harris. I have resonated with some of the featured episodes with Zen Priest Koshin Paley Ellison. I’ve feel called to work around end-of-life care and attended an informational session of the NY Zen Center for Contemplative Care foundations program. Although a great opportunity, I realized I couldn’t participate in the program at this time, and it sent me into a spiral of self-doubt and self-pity. Fortuitously, the universe provided an opportunity for me to step out of that spiral by reflecting on wisdom.
At a wedding reception, my family attended, I met a Chaplain at a medical facility. She was kind and caring in our conversations, and I found the courage to ask her about her experiences around hospice and end-of-life care. She shared the challenges and rewards of serving as a spiritual guide in complex and beautiful situations. She also encouraged me to look for volunteer opportunities at local facilities. While I nodded in agreement, my initial, self-pitying thought was that I wouldn’t find or have time for such an endeavor. Still, after the reception, I realized that wisdom required that I explore what might be available. I’m glad I did.
Within a few miles of our home is Crossroads House (https://www.crossroadshouse.com/). Crossroads is a non-profit comfort care home supporting individuals in our local community as they enter the final stages of their lives. Crossroads has volunteer opportunities in resident care, and despite some hesitancy and fear, I reached out to the volunteer coordinator and began training. I now work with a group of deeply compassionate and caring individuals. We are called upon to express kindness and compassion towards those experiencing very challenging situations. Had it not been for my reflection on these values, I might still be ruminating about the missed opportunity with the NY Zen Center. Instead, I’ll be at Crossroads House this week, bringing my whole self to be with the residents and the other volunteers. Each moment I am at the house is an opportunity to live my values.
Living and acting in accordance with values doesn’t make life easy. It requires facing my own “less-than” tendencies and reaching toward the margins of my comfort zone. But, as I’ve said previously, no matter what the outcome, if I have acted in accordance with my values, I can be proud of my behaviors and rest in the knowledge that I’m doing the best I can.